cin
Someday,when I’m goneI hope an artist will see meand think,“She was moonlight and stardustocean and sunriseghost orchids and stormssalt and fire.”-
Everyone knows
I always say
It’s a beautiful day
to be alive,
But today-
Today is
a beautiful day
just to survive.
-
I am a jellyfish
translucent
floating
sweet like candy
sizzled in ethereal
But I can’t help the sting
-
I used to feel nothing
now I feel it all
altogether, all at once
Powerful
it washes me over
like ocean waves
Yet
it still leaves me
empty; hungry for more.
I want it
love, lust, and pain
Excruciating
that’s when I write the best.
-
cigarettes,
stairs,
walks,
salads,
balconies,
margs,
Pokemon socks,
and guitars.
The slow nights are my favorite.
(This wasn’t a slow night.)
Goodbye, O’ahu - A Tribute (to the beat of Cocoa Hooves - Glass Animals) 06/22/2024
This island whispers to me
it tells me it’s time to leave
Those times you climbed my mountains and
sat back and watched the stars at night?
He grasped a light for the two
Slow walks and smokes me for rue
Drinks in the sweat-drippin’ skins
A bipolar sun rose grey
(you heard it)
I know (you heard it)
(you heard it)
She knows the way that I cried (you heard it)
Come on my demons, why can’t we get it right?
Why don’t I lose my mind one more time?
Why don’t you swim like
you’re trying to drown me?
Why don’t you tame your wild desires?
Rooftops end in this new lane,
In sand-cooked time
Palm trees sway on the dusk line
and cut our snakes
You run it down the wine and dine (you heard it)
Between my thighs (you heard it)
A sneaky rage within our eyes (you heard it)
And then you left (you heard it)
(you heard it)
(you heard it)
(you heard it)
She knows the way that I cried for you (you heard it)
Come on my demons, why can’t we get it right?
Why don’t I lose my mind one more time?
Why don’t you swim like
you’re trying to drown me?
Why don’t you tame your wild desires?
Come on my demons, we never scrap fair
Why don’t you war with sex and spirits?
Why don’t you scale it
my elevators?
Why don’t you tame my wild desires?
Rooftops 06/01/2024 (for Anthony)
Silently watching the world
emotion slips through windowpanes
Like a kid getting lost in a store
conversations about life and death
clouds over stars
headlights and bedrooms
And a good friend beside you
climbing in the stairs of city silence
it’s about the ambience
grown ups and changes
A cat hovers by the front door
and we people-watch from above.
Sensory Overload 05/21/2024
black falls to greying
voices wake the hallways
when Blue Hour strikes
and palms line periwinkle skies
oceans waves crashing in slate
navy mountains cut the cobalt
burning rubber on cracked pavement
but Bermuda grass still lies dewy
lights flicker off, and on again
hushed whispers carry into seedy
memory
notifications from cellphones
birds scream in the streets
there’s shadows dimming in corners
someone won’t shut off an alarm
and the silence succumbs to rushing
Because being late is intolerable
perky voices break the ice
when his heavy eyes just won’t look
the fuck away
shoes smack the concrete
time for another shot, or the first
the clouds are silhouetted now
sand settled over
like those flawless fake photographs
climbing a ledge
shakes and bone tingles
I can still see the moon,
And of course,
there’s the first horn.
Untitled - Inspired from Alex Dimitrov's “I’m Lonely and I Love It” 03/26/2024
I can wear my ex’s shirt and
listen to songs that remind me
of other boys without feeling guilty.
I’ll hit up Jenny or Jimmy
maybe Brody, too, if he’s still into it.
I can dance in my panties in my room,
singing as loud and off-tune as I want
until 4 a.m., coffee all night.
I can silently disappear for a month,
stay in a hostel in a new city.
I’ll take a like on a bikini shot as flirting,
maybe I’ll flirt back or ignore it
‘cause that’s more fun. Let ‘em sweat.
Maybe I’ll even write about the girl
I couldn’t stop looking at.
I’ll cry just so the boys
and girls will buy me snacks.
I can day drink a whole bottle,
and let whoever touch me by night.
It’s my apartment, my space-
that’s a great excuse, a great comfort
I’ll leave my dishes in the sink and not hear
a single sound, “clean up your mess,”
No, I don’t think I will today.
Sorry I’m busy tonight,
watching movies with my dog,
but I’ll say I’m going to a party,
everyone lies anyway.
I can change my mind about everything today,
and move to Iceland tomorrow, or
maybe Switzerland next year.
I can post whatever I want,
just for attention from my crushes.
I’ll kiss my friends on the mouth
and not hurt anyone’s feelings.
I am so lonely and so lost.
I am so lonely and so free.
I am so lonely and so in love with it.
Alone 03/01/2024
Even through it all,
the home cooked meals,
the desperate clinging,
handmade cards
and car ride singing,
changes and laughing,
and all things women want,
Even through it all,
the soft caresses,
the apartment cleaning,
heart-shaped promises
and erotic evenings,
sameness and crying,
and all things I had,
Even through it all,
the wallet photos,
flowers, perfect words,
love bombs and smothering
his eyes that only see me,
our 2 a.m. kitchen dancing,
all the years of memories-
And yet…
to stone my heart turned,
the home we built, I burned,
I still chose to be alone.
